This post may feel a little different than my first. I will not be talking as much about my illness, but instead about something that shifted in me a few years ago. This day, this story is when I realized that there is more. This is where I started standing in my true self and trusting my intuition. This is where I shifted into the knowing that this life is more than we think it is daily. From this day on, I’ve learned more and more each day that has confirmed this; We are the creators of our lives. Our thoughts create our experiences. Where focus goes, energy flows.
It was June 6, 2018. My husband offered to watch the boys for the afternoon and told me to go do whatever my heart desired. I chose to go to be alone. I wanted to just focus my brain and be still. It was the first time I’d left to take time for myself in years. I decided to follow my heart and not make a plan. I grabbed a bottle of water, some of my favorite crystals and I drove. I trusted my intuition. I just drove and ended up at the coolest spot by the river that we leave near.
I found a perfect sitting rock; flat and almost hovering over the water. Nature was surrounding me. Peace and quiet were all around me. I had no choice but to sit on this rock and just be. I decided to try to meditate. Meditation is something I’d tried off and on throughout the years and I never felt quite “successful” at the practice. I closed my eyes and I sat with no expectations. I listened to the water flow. I listened to my own breathing. I fell into the most serene state of mind.
From here, I was shown things. The universe, God, Source…. whatever you are comfortable calling the divine power that guides all of us (I’ll refer to it as God) took me on a journey. I was shown a spiderweb, a leaf, roots of a tree, a placenta, a system of veins, the universe, an eyeball and so much more. One word came to me very clearly: CONNECTED.
I instinctively knew the message; we are all one system. Every human is connected as the silk strings of the web are connected to make a home for a spider. As the veins of our body are connected to keep us thriving and alive. As the tree of life within a placenta is the beginning of life itself. Every single human is an important string that is connecting what I now call the collective. If one string of a web is broken, the strength of the remaining web is lessened.
I got goosebumps. I sat for a while with my eyes closed. I pondered this idea and then related it to myself. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own illness and my own to do’s and I’ve been so eager to not face the reality of life, I haven’t really been living. I’d hardly been breathing due to stress and anxiety for a few years. I’d literally been making myself sicker. I realized that the more out of touch with myself that I got and the more stressed I remained, the more I was harming the collective. I was not doing my part and being a strong strand of the web. I was one of the weaker links contributing to the brokenness of the collective. I realized that the only one that can control this is me.
Below is a piece of what I wrote in my journal that day:
“In this society and world, we so often not only allow ourselves to get weak, leading to our fellow branches getting weaker, but we also are good at purposely tearing each other down.
To not only succeed in this world but to survive, we MUST keep ourselves strong and healthy first. Love yourself enough to take care of yourself. Follow your heart and truly make
yourself feel good. God loves you so so much that you can shine His light outside of yourself. See yourself as He sees you. Love yourself as He loves you. Once you can truly do that,
your light will automatically shine. You will want to love everyone as you feel loved. You won’t ever feel the need to hurt others or judge others or break them down. We wonder how
we can heal the world, right? This is IT: Love yourself, Feel God’s love, FEEL it, See yourself through His eyes, Let that spill out, Let it OVERFLOW. Don’t worry, it can’t stop. It’s infinite.”
Words kept coming to me that day. Images. I was being reminded of how divine I am. I’d lost love for myself. I was struggling with life. I didn’t know how to find my spark again. These words and this meditation reminded me of my true power. I was reminded of how much I’m loved and why I’m here. God put me here for a reason and I’m exactly how and where he wants me to be. I’m perfect as I am. With this, I will improve my love for myself and in return improve the collective.
It’s hard to think that one human can affect the rest, so let’s think about it on a smaller scale. Have you ever been in a room where everyone is having fun and the mood is light when suddenly a new person enters and there is a heaviness? A tension perhaps? This new person is either angry or self-conscious bringing that weighted energy in the room with him. The mood of the other ten or so people in the room has now shifted to a heavier feeling. Everyone is feeling it and not sure why. This is the realization that I had by the river on this day. I realized that my own mood; my own health; my own happiness has an effect on not only those around me but on those beyond me. The way in which I live my life affects others. That’s a BIG deal. Why would I ever choose to wallow in my own problems, or my own bad mood when I have the power to control that. And, even more, when I do control it and bring myself up, I positively affect the world. What could be better?
My meditation that day told me all of this by showing me the most beautiful pictures. I had the most profound realizations. On that day, I decided that my health is in my hands. My happiness is in my hands. My life is in my control and there is not a single soul outside of me that is in control of it. All that I seek is within me. All that I desire is within me. The best thing about all of this is that when I live my best life, I am shining a light in the world and showing others that it’s possible for them to live their best life too.
This is where it began. This is where my life shifted.