by Katie | May 20, 2020
I am a stubborn person. That is hard for me to admit because… well, I’m stubborn. This is a piece of my personality that I have not always liked a lot. I get an idea in my head and I feel stuck to it. Over the years, I’ve worked hard to be more flexible and fluid in life. I have been successful in a lot of ways, and others, not so much.
Recently, I’ve had to admit something to myself that’s been very difficult. One way that I’ve been very stubborn in the past 13 years of my life has been in regards to my Rheumatoid Arthritis. If you’ve read my past blog posts, you know my journey up to now. I took the meds, I stopped, I ignored, I faced things, I’ve treated naturally… and that’s kind of where I am now. I’ve never, however, been good at just giving myself space to feel what this actually is. I don’t think I’ve ever let myself feel all the feelings that go with this.
You guys, this SUCKS. It sucks so badly. I’m here to talk about how bad it sucks in a lot of ways and then to admit another really hard thing to admit.
My body hurts. I’m tired. I worry about my future daily. I worry about my children’s futures and my husband’s future. I fear that I’ll not be able to walk at some point, that my fingers will all point sideways, and that I won’t be able to do my beloved Buti Yoga. I am starting a YTT next month, and I’m scared about being able to be a good Yoga teacher in the future. I’m scared, I’m stressed and I’m tired.
I love to do yoga. I love to hike. I love to run with my kids and play. I love to walk down my stairs without limping. I love to get out of my car and be able to take a step without it feeling indescribably painful. I want to be able to do all of these things for so many years to come. I HAVE to be able to do these things. It is life for me. When I sit down for more than 5 minutes, my joints get comfortable being still. When I stand up and they’re asked to move again, it’s difficult. Mostly, it’s embarrassing. I try to take a normal looking step so that my husband won’t see me limp or wince in pain. I don’t like to make him worry. I push to look normal all of the time. I don’t let myself feel the pain. I don’t let myself be in the pain. I push it away. I tell myself that this isn’t going to be here forever. I tell myself that I can and will heal this.
Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that I can and will heal this. But, I also believe that there has to be a certain amount of honesty with it. I think I need to be with my pain. I need to confront it. I need to ask it why it’s here and how it’s here to help me. I need to be with that for a while before we’re ever going to come to a place of understanding and complete this cycle. So, I’m here writing this honest post about this. I’m here telling you that it hurts. I’ve been more honest with my husband lately too. I’ve been telling him that it hurts and that I hate this. I’ve sat with this pain and I finally decided something very very important and very very difficult.
I need to get back on medication. Guys, I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is how badly it will hurt when I stand up. I walk down the stairs and my son watches me limp and wince. I shuffle around the house doing the morning things until my bones loosen up. Recently, it’s been so bad; I haven’t even done my workouts. I’ve let the pain take over. It’s been really bad.
The most disappointing thing about where I am now is that I’ve been strictly on the AIP diet since the end of February. I had a few slips, but for the most part, it’s been no grains, no dairy, no sugar, no nightshades, no beans or seeds or SO many things. I’ve gotten used to this way of eating. I’ve decided this route is not the one for me.
It’s extremely disheartening. I can’t even explain how it feels. When I started this, I did the research. I did the planning. I did the work and I’ve been successful. I was excited. I was full of hope. I thought this was it. So, it’s super hard for me to type this out. The AIP diet was not it. This is not the right path for me. I am in more pain now than I’ve been in for years. No joke. It’s bad.
I’m reading into the Medical Medium stuff now. I’ve read about that in the past and I didn’t do it because the AIP came so highly recommended. I wrote in a blog post in the past that eating meat didn’t feel right for me, but that I trusted the diet. Well, I’m back on that thought process. I’m slowly cutting meat out again. I’ve reintroduced Celery Juice (which is NEVER a bad idea). I’m getting back into a smoothie routine and I’ve ordered some protein to add to my smoothies to be sure to replace the protein in my diet. That’s where I am with the food. I’ll still stay away from grains and dairy and sugar.
And this; I have an appointment (over the phone) with my Rheumatologist tomorrow. I’m going to ask for medication. I’m going to do what she prescribes. I’m letting go of my stubbornness because I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION. I have to be able to think of things outside of my pain and fatigue. I have to get back on track in life for a while. I don’t even have the energy to plan a new diet and do the Medical Medium cleanse. I’m beaten down. I’m disheartened and I’m just tired of feeling in pain and tired.
If you suffer from an autoimmune disease or any kind of pain or suffering for any reason; I am not writing this to tell you to give up. In fact, I’m writing this to encourage you. Give yourself the space to feel. Give yourself space, to be honest with you. Give yourself the allowance to admit the pain and the grief and the difficulty. This is NOT easy. Every day is exhausting. It is so tiring to feel this way physically and mentally. This isn’t a game. It’s not a temporary thing. My dishonesty with others and with myself is not making it go away.
So, my new plan is to let myself sit here and cry right now. I’m allowed to. It feels good to write this down and to let myself feel. Then, I’ll talk with my doctor tomorrow and be honest with her. I’ll admit my stubbornness and my determination to her. I’ll make a new plan. I’ll get on some medication and that will help my body feel some relief. DAMMIT, I am beyond words excited to be able to walk and run and stretch and MOVE this sweet body of mine again. I deserve that. My body deserves this relief. Though I feel defeated, I feel stoked too.
I will most likely get on the meds for at least 6 months or possibly a year. I will give myself some time to enjoy life without this pain and exhaustion. I will put myself back together mentally. I will focus on some (REALLY BIG) changes that my family is working on together. I will re-energize myself to do the Medical Medium 3-6-9 cleanse and I will phase off of the medication again in the future. It is not my plan to be on these for life. It is my plan to heal myself. But it’s time for me to be honest, to give myself some space; to give my husband, kids, and ME a break from this hidden predator.
If you’re going through a similar situation I want you to know that I’m here. I recognize your struggle. Don’t hide guys. Let it out. Contact me if you need to. This isn’t easy and we can get through this together. There are things that can help us and it’s okay to use them; whether they sit well with us or not. Take advantage of them when you can because we deserve a break from this suffering. I am sending love to you all. Be love, be light, and give yourself some grace.
by Katie | Feb 14, 2020
I am currently 40 years old. I am blessed with an AMAZING husband and 2 incredible sons (6 and 2). I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2007, Hashimotos in 2015 and Sarcoidosis in 2019. Doctors have also mentioned Sjogren’s in my list of conditions, though I do not experience symptoms of this disease. I’m here to talk about this journey I am on of healing autoimmune disease naturally.
I have a hard time taking prescription medications for my diagnoses and an even more difficult time labeling myself as “sick” or as having any of these ailments. But, for the sake of this blog and to relate to others that are currently experiencing one or more similar situations, I will label myself (more on all that later).
In 2007, when I was diagnosed with RA, I listened to the docs. I believed that I was given a life sentence of achy joints and taking crazy meds to lessen the pain. I believed that I was stuck taking Methotrexate for life and I would be getting my liver and kidneys checked every 6 months or so to ensure the medication wasn’t afflicting those organs. I did what they said, but never felt right about it. To lessen joint pain, I was compromising the health of other vital organs in this body and I wasn’t sure that this made sense. Somewhere within me, I felt that there had to be another way. Nevertheless, I continued.
After about 6 months or so of taking Methotrexate and dealing with flu-like symptoms the day after each round, I had my first appointment to get my organs checked. I felt freaked out again. My liver and heart could be totally compromised (as I then understood it) just to lessen my joint pain… this still felt very wrong. The way I dealt with things back then was to ignore them. I wasn’t one to research or find my own way, I just made a decision of what I was going to do and go forward, with my head in the sand. That said, I stopped the medication. I stopped seeing a Rheumatologist. I stopped talking about my RA. I stopped it all. I put my head deep into that cozy and safe sand and I forged on in life. I affirmed that I was stronger than this pain and I didn’t need medication or help.
I went without meds and completely ignored any pain I felt and the diagnosis for about 2 years. In early 2010 the pain got pretty bad. I couldn’t deny it any longer. I saw a new Rheumatologist and was told that if I hadn’t come in right then, I would’ve been in a wheelchair within 5 years. This new doc was also a lot more thorough. He explained to me that RA can affect your lungs and your heart and that it can be a whole lot more than “just achy joints” as I put it. Freaked out by this statement, I went back on Methotrexate.
At that time, I asked my doctor if I could eat differently to change how this disease was affecting my body. I knew, in my heart, that there had to be a different way. My doctor answered me with an all-knowing, “no, there’s no scientific proof that foods help with this. Some people claim that cutting things like meat or sugar out helps them, but there are no medical studies. You have to be on medication.”
So, off I went again, with an unsettled heart, achy joints and some nasty meds in hand. At this point in my life, I didn’t trust myself enough to listen to what I now know is my very strong intuition. Something in me was screaming that there was another way. However, the world around me told me that I wasn’t as smart as the doctors and I didn’t have time to look into, so just do what they say and that’s that.
I took the Methotrexate for a while. It dulled the pain a few months, and then the aches returned stronger than before. Disheartened, I returned to my Rheumy and we talked about biologics, such as Humira. Again, without doing the research on my own about this medication, I jumped on in. I even signed up to be part of a medical study. Beginning in early 2012, this study tested the effects of taking Methotrexate combined with Humira. The blind portion of the study was that I didn’t know if I was on a high dose or a low dose of the Methotrexate. The Humira dose was the same for everyone. I visited the medical office periodically and they studied my joints, took ultrasound images of my joints and got paid $90 per month. Not a bad deal. Free meds and a bit of extra cash. And admittedly, my joints felt better than they had in a while.
I despised the weekly injections and each time I did one my skin would get very inflamed and itchy for about two days. During this time, my mom got very ill. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and given a short time to live. It was a really hard time, but I stuck to the study and the meds. As I was injecting myself one day (and whining about it), my mom kindly mentioned that she wished she had something to give herself to make her feel better. Feeling like an asshole, I realized that she was right. This medication is a blessing. It’s preventing me from getting deformed joints and it’s keeping me out of a wheelchair. I continued on.
In 2013 and after a very bumpy year (losing my mom and fighting my own disease), my husband and I decided to start our family. For me, this meant cleansing my body of these medications. I stopped all medication and prayed that I’d be one of the lucky ones that would go into remission during pregnancy. I had no such luck in the first trimester. I hit a point where I could not move a wrist at all and worried about my future with a child. How would I ever lift and care for a sweet baby when my wrist won’t even allow me to move a pen to write my name. I took one round of steroids during this time which also made me worry for my sweet baby. I prayed that this pain would exit my body. Finally, I caught a break. Within the second trimester, I entered remission. I didn’t feel any pain from this point through about one year after my son’s birth.
At this point, I desperately searched for a natural way to deal with my RA. I was listening to myself a bit better and refusing to go back to the medication. Even with the echo of my mother’s words about wishing she’d had something to help her, I couldn’t get the list of side effects out of my head. Most biologics have a laundry list of side effects. If you’ve ever seen a commercial for one, you know what I’m talking about. It almost seems like a sketch from Saturday Night Live… the list goes on and on and on. It truly feels like it has to be a joke. But, it’s not. One of these many side effects is a “heightened risk of cancers…”.
See, my father also passed from cancer years and years ago. Being that I’ve lost both of my parents to this vicious disease, I just couldn’t (and can’t) do it. I couldn’t see the benefit of me raising my own risk of cancer. I had enough risk. I started that thinking then and I continue to believe that now. I love my children and I want to be there for them beyond when my parents were able to be there for me. I want to meet my grandkids. I want to play with my grandkids. Let me change that wording…. I will play with my grandkids.
Anyway, in early 2015 I started seeing a Naturopath. This is when I got diagnosed with Hashimotos. For this, I did begin the medication Levothyroxine. I still take that medication. Its side effects are few and it’s important to keep your thyroid levels stable. As I enter this part of my journey, I hope to cure this disease and wean from the medication as well.
Around this time, I stumbled upon a program created by a gentleman that suffered from RA. I did this program. It was a serious elimination diet. I stopped eating and drinking everything but water, lettuce, and onions. I slowly reintroduced foods into my life and it seemed like it’d be 20 years before I was back to eating all the things. It was tough but, it seemed to be working.
Then, enter more real life. My sisters dad died and I did a lot of traveling to help her with details surrounding that. Traveling and being on a super strict diet is not easy. Shortly after that, my stepdad was killed in a terrible accident. Life. is. crazy. ammiright? (disclaimer: I’m not telling this story for sympathy or “I’m sorries”. I promise. I’m telling it because it is my life. And, I think that being real and honest helps us relate as humans.)
So, this diet lasted for about a month and a half and it just fell away. From that time until now I’ve gone to different doctors, I’ve dabbled with cutting out dairy and gluten, I’ve been told again how serious my disease is, I’ve continued to stay off medication for my RA. From about 2015 through mid-2018, I was surviving life. I was doing ALL the things so that I didn’t have to fully face anything. It’s been a problem. A really big problem that I’m ready to stop. In this time, I had my second wonderful son, I worked a lot and I kept ignoring.
Here’s the thing. I know that doctors know what they’re talking about, but I also know what my body is doing and how it feels. Right now, I feel better than I ever have. I work out an average of 4 days per week and my body is capable of anything. Yes, there is pain. Some mornings are really scary. I’ve had mornings that I truly worry about being confined to a wheelchair. That is before I take a few steps and say, “HELL NO” and remember that I WILL NOT GIVE UP. There are times that I worry that this RA is doing real damage to my body. It is for this reason that it’s time to take this seriously. I’m ready to face each and every thing that life has to hand me. No more ignoring. No more, “I’m too busy to deal with it”. No more, “I’ll do that soon” or “I’ll do that when….. insert anything”.
Since about June of 2018, I’ve been on a journey of discovering how our minds and how we talk to ourselves and how our subconscious beliefs create our reality. It’s been amazing and enlightening. I’ve woken up to so many aspects of life. This portion of my journey is where this blog comes from.
I am currently on day 9 of the Autoimmune Protocol (AIP). I will be writing about this diet and more on this blog. I really want to take you all on this journey with me. I want to share more of my story. I want to share what I’ve discovered in the past few years. I want to share my food journey and my exercise journey. I want to share me. If you read it, you read it, and I thank you. If you don’t, that’s okay too. There are two reasons I’m doing this.
- I have been flip-flopping around like a dying fish for years looking for someone to relate to. Someone real. Someone on a similar journey as me. I’ve been looking for an answer or an inspiration. I’ve found a few here and there, but everything seemed sugar-coated and I’m a person that really appreciates REAL. I’d like to be one of these things for someone. Even if it is literally just one person. That will make all the difference. I pray that I can perhaps be a light, a friend, an idea, an inspiration for someone that is in the midst of their flip-flopping. I pray that maybe I can help someone stop that flip in midair and land on their feet and say, “WAIT, I know what my next move is…”. Guys, I’ve been through it and am in it. Let’s do it together not alone.
- My second reason for doing this? It’s selfish. I’ve started lots of diets and countless other projects in life and just plain stopped. I haven’t been good at holding myself accountable. This is an idea I had to stay accountable to myself on this diet and on this journey of healing. I figure if someone is watching and reading my journey, I’ll feel like a bigger asshole stopping than if I hadn’t shared here. I’ve vowed to no longer let myself down. I won’t let you down either.
Guys, there IS another way to heal. I KNOW IT. Stick with me. You’ll learn more about things I’ve learned and the ideas I’ve had and lots more. I’m sending you all love and light and remember to be love. There’s no other way to be. We’re all on this journey together. Just be love.
